Have you guys seen the ‘90s television show Felicity? Felicity changes her college plans and moves across the country to chase down her high school crush, Ben, who gave her some hint of hope in some vaguely flirtatious note he wrote in her yearbook. While I was a fan of the show (as Team Noel), I was never really sold on Felicity’s logic and reasoning but in the end (SPOILER ALERT) it works out for her. Moving to New York City ends up helping her find herself and she gets her man… Ben.
I guess this is all coming up because I feel like I Felicity-ed my high school crush comedy to Toronto because it gave me some vaguely flirtatious stage time in Calgary. And now like I judged Felicity’s logic, I am judging my own. Like “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?” washes over me every once and awhile. The ambitious, outgoing and annoyingly eager person I used to be seems to have changed into an anxious, shy, self-doubting doe eyed version of myself. I am worried about money, about my skills and talents and if I have what it takes to be any kind of employed in this city filled with ambitious go-getters. I just feel overwhelmed and alone.
The stupid thing is I always used to think I was a loner and good at being on my own. The truth is I have never been this on my own before and even though I was living alone in Calgary, I was backed up by a solid support system. I had my family, friends and improv community with me and out here it feels like I have to find all those things all over again because I chased comedy like a frizzy haired 18 year old idiot in a ’90s network drama.
I am telling myself that this is just the beginning and this is just a time of adjustments. I know that this is not all going to smooth sailing and I know with great change comes chaos and discourse. In the past I have run away from the adjustment times and gone back to what worked before. The thing is I have wanted this change for a really long time. I have wanted to live in this city, work in television and do comedy every night and now I have those opportunities in front of me and I feel like I am freaking out and melting down. But this time I refuse not fight through the discomfort in the chaos of the change because I think on the other side of all this lies the thing that has been missing all along.
So I need to buck up. I need to be resilient and push myself to do the things I came here to do. I need fight past this overwhelming feeling of fear and not let that define the person I fought hard to become. The scary and freeing thing about doing this all on my own, it is going to be what I make of it. I really hope I don’t fuck it up.